The I.C.U.

The I.C.U. probably gives me the most mixed emotions of the whole recovery process. I arrived there after my surgery and stayed almost two weeks as my body stabilized itself.

The first few days were frightening, I was on a liquid diet, meaning it was either being pumped into me or I was sipping water, and lying flat on my back the whole time, that lasted for the first week.

During the first few days you are mixing trauma, pain, drugs, IVs, disorienting new location, a battery of doctors, constant checks of your vitals, trips to take X-Rays, Cat-Scans, MRIs, sponge baths, nurses, morphine drips and more into one of the most difficult cocktails you can imagine.

I was so weak at the time that the only thing I could do for myself was to grabbing little pieces of ice and rub it over my temple and forehead to cool down, or pop one in my mouth to suck on. Worried that I might have lost motion over major parts of my body I remember thinking how important it was that I grab the ice myself, that was me functioning on my own.

There was also sleep, or lack there of. Your body is trying to but between constant monitoring, the lights on, the dislocation, the sounds of other patients and the conversations of the nurses, the drugs, and the pain, god the pain, sleep was an afterthought. For me, I was happy if I slept for an hour or two a night, usually in 30 minute increments. I would usually be delirious from lack of sleep in the morning and many a night I would see images from a combination of delirium and drugs. I remember my mother rubbing my foot and falling asleep so that became our routine. When she came to the ICU she would rub my foot, the pain and tension would disappear and I would relax and sleep, even if briefly.

It was also in the I.C.U. that some of the most tender moments occured. The nurses there are now friends. When I could do nothing for myself they did it for me, washing, bathing, feeding, medicating, listening and empathizing. They did it all. My comfort and well being was their only goal and to give me a sense of dignity when I was so vulnerable meant the world. They are amazing people.

Coming next: I.C.U. Psychosis!