Images of 'Fort Defiance North' at Socrates Sculpture Park

My friend JJ put together this video of my project at Socrates, take a look.

http://vimeo.com/14912379

EAF 10 Opening at Scorates Sculpture Parkd

Please Join me for the the Opening of the EAF 10: 2010 EMERGING ARTIST FELLOWSHIP EXHIBITION
September 12, 2010 - March 6, 2011


The Opening is Sunday, September 12, 2 PM - 6 PM (rain or shine)

Socrates Sculpture Park in LIC, Queens

32-01 Vernon Boulevard

Long Island City, NY

This is the culmination of my sculpture, structure, bar, architectural piece 'Fort Defiance North'. During my time in the hospital this project has been completed by a team of friends and family that have dedicated 100s of hours, this work is the first opening and will be quite a celebration as we will be showing off the completed structure.

This sculpture is also a fully functioning bar. While we are not going to be serving drinks on Sunday be on the lookout for upcoming events when we fire up 'Fort Defiance North' and turn it into the communal drinking space it was meant to be. Don't worry, invitations will be sent, but for now come out and enjoy the day on Sunday, see some great art, and enjoy a beautiful day in the park.

Hope to see you,

Scott

The 'At Home' Update

A few miscellaneous news and notes. I have been home about two weeks and there is the good and the bad, but overall things are going well. First and foremost I am getting stronger, two weeks ago I could walk two blocks and would get home winded, now I can walk a mile, still spent afterward, but it is a major improvement.

My body is getting stronger but the aches and pains still exist. One frustrating thing is a fracture or pain in my Coccyx, the very lower part of the tailbone. Every time I shift my weight or put pressure on my tailbone I get a very strong pain. Sitting for more than 30 minutes is impossible and it can even be painful sleeping. The frustrating thing is so many other parts of rehab were going well so to have such a small part of my body be so excruciatingly painful is an unfortunate turn of events. It can be so bad that Naomi and my parents just wince when they see the expressions on my face. Nobody said rehab would be easy.

One thing I am looking forward to is my friend Yvonne Kawamura, a licensed massage therapist, donated her services to help me out upon hearing about the accident. We start tomorrow and I have to say having something in my life that focuses on pain reduction sounds absolutely perfect.

Also, my sculpture at Socrates Sculpture Park is going up in amazing fashion. This will get its own post in the near future. I just want to say that between my parents, my friends St. John and Brett, and a host of others friends, this project has become even more than I could have ever imagined. Pictures and more to come soon because something so cool needs to be shared.

And lastly, it is nice to be home, fire damage and all. Good to climb into bed next to Naomi. Good to make a home cooked meal. Good to wake up in familiar surroundings. Good to read a newspaper on the couch. Good to walk around my neighborhood and say hello to friends. Sometimes the familiar is the best thing in the world.

Thanks

Last night the USBGNY (United States Bartenders Guild of New York) held its monthly mixer that was also a benefit to help me out with ramifications from the accident and the fire. The event was amazing and I just want to say thank you to all that came. The support was overwhelming and I was touched to say the least. First a thanks to Jonathan for being so generous and such a humbly nice person. And a thanks to friends and attendees. I had people I had known for a decade to people I had known for a week, artists, friends, schoolmates, co-workers, bartenders, bosses, business acquaintances, strangers, friends of friends, old friends, curators, activists, all showing their support.

It was amazing and I just wanted to say thank you,

Scott

Cocktail Mixer and Benefit

Friends, the New York chapter of the United States Bartenders Guild (USBGNY) is graciously using its monthly cocktail mixer as a benefit for me. It is an extremely generous gesture. I, in turn, wanted to invite my friends to join us for a few afternoon drinks and good times. Below is the event information and I would love to see you there.

And again, many thanks for all the support,

Scott

---------------------

Time:
Monday August 30 • 4:00pm - 6:00pm

Location:
Entwine
765 Washington Street (at West 12th Street)
New York, NY

Please join friends on Monday, August 30th from 4-6pm, as the New York Chapter of the United States Bartender’s Guild (USBGNY) holds their monthly mixer and a benefit for my lovely boyfriend, and Brooklyn's friendliest artist and bartender, Scott Andresen.

While he is doing better, Scott remains out of work as he continues to heal from a terrible bicycle accident he was in a few months ago, which led to emergency spinal surgery, a lengthy hospital stay, and loads of on-going rehabilitation.

In lieu of the circumstances, the USBGNY has graciously offered their support. In addition to making a generous financial contribution towards Scott's medical expenses, the Chapter is also donating the tips and proceeds raised from $1 raffle ticket sales made during the benefit! Prizes will include USBGNY shwag and bottles of liquor.

So please stop in with a friend or two and drink to Scott’s health!
Thanks to the kindness of the USBGNY, complimentary food and beverage will be provided courtesy of Don Modesto Tequila and Entwine in West Village will be the mixer's host.

See you then!

Naomi & Scottie

Gun Shy

One of the things I didn't anticipate on getting home was the level of fear or nervousness I have. For most of my life, or all of it, I felt in complete control. There were obstacles, etc. but I was doing it on my own. Now some of that has been taken away. Something happened to me, I had no control of it, and the consequences were extreme. I will be dealing with the aftermath for months if not years.

But most frustrating to me right now is when I am walking down a busy street I see imminent disasters. Too many speeding cars and honking horns, an accident is coming. A car trying to speed to make it through a yellow light, here comes the worst. Someone riding a bike without a helmet, an accident is coming.

I find myself flinching at the possibility of what could go wrong all the time and I hate it. I expect it to get better but right now I am living in a bit of a state of fear and it is frustrating to no end. No, it is not crippling, it does not keep me inside my house walled up, but it is in the front of my mind when I am out.

What I worry about is when I am better, hopefully, and have the opportunity to ride a bike, or go skiing, or something else active that involves a degree of danger, I really hope the accident doesn't affect me negatively. I am just not a person to live in a state of fear.

'Mission Impossible' or How I Won Every Argument With Naomi From Now On

Mission Impossible - To surprise Naomi at her sister's wedding while recovering from spinal trauma in the hospital

From Left to Right are:
The Mark: Naomi Doerner (My Girlfriend)
Accomplice #1: Jaret Vadera (Close Friend)
Accomplice #2 and #3: Stephanie and Brendan (Naomi's Sister The Bride, and The Groom)

The Setting:
Naomi, since my accident six weeks ago, had been balancing a full time job, running her summer program for Lower East Side High Schoolers with 2 friends, visiting me in the hospital daily, dealing with insurance and lawyers, and trying to put the house back together after the fire. To say the least she was over extended.

She was also looking forward to her sister's wedding in Westchester and seeing all of her family on one of the rare occasions when they are all together. She was excited, stressed, and going a little batty. The pressure of doing things for me, for her sister, for the wedding, for her family, as well as her own responsibilities was a lot. And bless her heart, what was she most frustrated about, that we would be spending a few days apart. What an amazing woman.

So it was quickly decided that a surprise visit to the wedding was in order and spending a little quality time with my girlfriend celebrating family and friends instead of broken bones and insurance forms was a must.

I first checked with the doctors to get a day pass to leave the hospital. When the nurses found out what I was planning I immediately became the best boyfriend in the world in their eyes. I of course called Steph and Brendan to make sure it was OK with them, and they were as excited as I was. I did ask Steph not to tell anyone, including Naomi's mother, who is probably the worst person to have holding a secret, and thus the plan was taking form. With Steph and Brendan on board it was a matter of the logistics of getting to and from.

I immediately rang Jaret and asked him to help out, he was game for everything. We rented a car for the day, he took a quick wheelchair class at the hospital, and he also stopped by my house to pick up a bunch of clothes for the wedding. And with that we were ready to go.

On the day of the wedding Jaret stopped by the hospital in the afternoon with the clothes. I quickly got changed but with one problem, the brace that I have for my right leg would not fit in my dress shoes. The only other solution was to wear my sneakers. Not exactly wedding attire but it would have to do. Next it was down to the car to load the wheelchair, crutches and me in, with that we were off.

One wrong turn and we were a bit behind schedule but we got there in one piece. The valets had us pull to the side to unload, but just as we park who walks right down towards our car, Naomi of course. We are there for 30 seconds and the surprise was about to be ruined, until she walked within 6 inches of the car in a stressed daze and passed us without a glance. The game was still on.

We made it inside, saw a few of Naomi's family, and they quickly began helping us out. I was taken to the room for the wedding ceremony before arousing suspicion, a few chairs were moved out of the way to park me and the wheelchair, and things were set for the surprise. A few of Stephanie's closest friends were already there and sitting around me. Not knowing me personally but knowing the story of what had happened they were dumbstruck when they saw me and started getting teary eyed when they found out what I was surprising Naomi.

As the procession started the parties passed. Naomi, one of the last to come, walked by without noticing me. She got under the wedding canopy and glanced back towards the audience. She noticed one of Steph's closest friends, who was sitting just in front of me, and the friend was still teary eyed knowing what was about to follow. And then it happened, just what I had hoped for. Naomi glanced back to me, our eyes locked, and it took just a second for realization to set in, a quick look of complete surprise with eyes wide and mouth agape, then her face welled up and tears, tears of joy. It was pretty amazing. A few people around were concerned until they realized what was going on. She let the waterworks run for a few seconds before composing herself for the ceremony, we mouthed an 'I love you' to each other and then the ceremony commenced.

The wedding was beautiful, the ceremony poignant and the party shear joy. It was great meeting her family and friends and especially her grandmother, who like all grandmothers, promised copious amounts of home cooked food if I ever visit. It was also the first time in six long weeks that Naomi and I could just enjoy each other's company, laugh and joke, and not do it in the shadow of a medical institution. A pretty amazing day all in all.

Release

So as previously mentioned I am heading home tomorrow. Good news. Funny, when I got my release date about a week and a half ago I was worried to death. At the time I still couldn't use my left arm, walking was getting better but far from comfortable, and the weakness of my body had me worrying for my own safety.

Right now I am feeling pretty good about getting out, actually great. As soon as I was cleared to use the left arm things started taking off. Using all my limbs in tandem (novel idea to be able to use your whole body) the pieces started falling into place. My walk has improved immensely, when I exercise I am working everything together, and another week of strengthening has made me that much more comfortable. Couple that with working on my balance, and more importantly working on stairs, the idea of being released has me flat out ecstatic.

Also, mom and dad have returned to help out with rehab and to piece the house back together after the fire. They will be relieving some of the stress of doing it all on our own. Just a quick note to friends who have asked to help once I am released, I will be needing your help soon enough, but for the first few weeks I have the wellness team in place, I am going to try and get mom and dad home as soon as possible, and then will I be needing some assistance from the many of you that have offered. And to all of you I just want to say thanks, knowing that when I am back on my own I can turn to my friends in times on need means the world.

So tomorrow we begin Phase III of this long and strange trip. This phase will be the long and drawn out one. Slowly working back to a normal life. But it also means I get to start focusing on not only the here and now but the future. So much of this journey to date has been planning and getting the most out of the day ahead. Tomorrow that changes and Naomi and I start doing the little things that will allow us to get the most out of what lays ahead, and I am ready to get that part of my life back. Since getting done with grad school over a year ago Naomi and I have been through our ups and downs getting life back on track, it has been hard. Just before the accident things looked to be falling in place, and then the accident. I am not saying I am going to write the accident out of my life, but it will be nice to start focusing on the good, and the future, and our life together.

So as of tomorrow all correspondence and visits should come through our home. We are at 157 Waverly Ave. Apt. 1C, Brooklyn, NY 11205 in Fort Greene / Clinton Hill area of Brooklyn.

And be sure to check out the next post entitled 'Mission Impossible or Why I Just Won Every Argument with Naomi for the Rest of Our Lives.'

End Game (Kind of) and News and Notes.....

So I have my release date, next Tuesday, August 17th. As of 10am that day I am a free man. At 10:15am on Tuesday you can find me in the Champagne Room of the Hustler Club celebrating freedom with some very special 'nurses'. I kid. I kid.

Release will be nice and the last week of therapy has been working towards that. Strengthening, range of motion, balance. Therapy has turned aggressive, I am busting my ass trying to get stronger and the therapists are trying to arm me with all the movements and skills to succeed in the outside world. Practicing movements standing without crutches, like I was working in the kitchen, working on moving over uneven terrain, transferring in and out of the shower, going up stairs with or without railings, etc.. A bit nerve wracking.

My parents get back in on Monday so they will be here to help. Right now and for the next little bit I won't be able to be alone for extended periods. Its funny, just yesterday I was walking with Oscar, a very nice assistant in the therapy sessions, we were just chatting and walking and in a split second I caught my toe on my heel as I turned a corner, knees buckle and I was about to go down in a heap. He caught me with no problem, but it just goes to show you no matter how comfortable and good I feel, the smallest misstep can lead to disaster. Even as things get better I have to be cautious and limit the risky choices.

As for the fire things are alright. Huge sections of the ceiling and walls are gone, a few more sections may go. But the worse seems over for our apartment. Naomi and a host of friends (thanks Barry, Shinique, Karin, DJ, Jaret, St. John, Daniel and everyone else) have all chipped in, cleaned the apartment and done everything they can to make my move home as smooth as possible. Its been a real blessing.

And lastly, Naomis family is in town which I think is great for her. Her sister is getting married this weekend in Westchester so her dad and brother stopped by yesterday which was very nice. I obviously won't be attending but will be there in spirit. More importantly though, after all Naomi has gone through and has done over the last month and a half I think being surrounded by loved ones for a few days is just what she needs.

A few more updates over the next few days and then all correspondence from this blog will be coming from The Scott Andresen Rehabilitation Clinic and Chicken Shack in beautiful Clinton Hill Brooklyn. I am really looking forward to being in familiar surroundings. Six weeks of hospital food is just about enough.

Forecast

So where do I sit. My guess is I will be leaving Mt. Sinai not this coming week, but early the following week, maybe the 17th or 18th. The doctors and therapists are happy with the progress but there is still much work to be done. As for the fractures they are healing themselves, but slowly, and still get painfully aggravated. The nerve damage on the foot, arm and leg is staying the same. A little frustrating, but nerve damage can take many months if not years to heal itself. It is something I have to realize and not get frustrated over even though that is the first thing I want to do. I am still working on strengthening, range of motion, the walk, dexterity, and they all improve daily, but in small steps, and there are lots of steps ahead of me.

So what happens when I get home? Honestly, I don't know. I mean, a pattern will emerge, I will probably go to therapy at a Brooklyn location 3 times a week. Progress from home and try to settle into what is a normal life, but it will be difficult. In all honesty, I am scared to death. At Mt. Sinai I have had, doctors, nurses and therapists steps away from me if something happens. At home I lose that security. Don't get me wrong, I will have friends and family close, especially for the first few weeks, but there are going to be those moments. One refrain you hear at Mt. Sinai regarding release is when something goes wrong at home, and they assume it will, 'don't panic, whatever you do don't panic'. Not the cheeriest words of advice

The thing is, if in normal life you are running at 100% I am probably at 15% right now and that might be generous. I can walk maybe a few 100 feet, have to bathe in a chair, even getting up from seat can be a struggle. I can feed myself, can make a bowl of cereal, slip on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, but these are the most basic things, and I am winded after doing just a few. I guess the realization of just how long and hard the rehab process is going to take is setting in and it is frightening.

I want to get back to the point that cooking dinner for friends is not an impossibility, going over to a friend's house does not seem like trekking the Himalayas, and living a regular daily life does not seem like a dream in the future. But I know it will take time, I know I have the unwavering support of a team that will not disappear, and I know I have an amazing amount of work to do. Am I scared, hell yes, but that is trumped by the fact that when I get home I will be closer to the people I care about the most.

A Day In The Life

Lets turn our attention to something more positive than whats wrong with my body or if the apartment is burning down. Namely, why don't we talk about what rehab is all about and a day at Mt. Sinai.

As I have said Mt. Sinai is a pretty amazing place. You are surrounded by dedicated experts in their fields, be it Neurosurgery, Physical Therapy, Orthopedic Surgery, and commonly those specialties are broken down into finer subgroups (i.e. Lower Lumbar Spinal Surgery, or Shoulder and Elbow Orthopedic Specialist). To say the least, the staff is knowledgeable.

An average day begins with me getting up at 6:00 am and washing myself. Maybe a little help from the nurses, changing the linens, and first doses of pills, vitamins and drugs. Breakfast follows soon after and then I have a few minutes before rehab starts at 9:00am.

The first class is a one on one Physical Therapy session. Physical Therapy is focuses on the lower part of the body. Working on the legs and mobility by strengthening muscles, stretching, range of motion, practicing walking, electric stimulus on the nerve damaged areas, and a host of other exercises. Primarily this is an exhausting hour of pushing yourself to repair and rebuild whatever was lost in your legs and the mobility that comes along with it. I am extremely lucky to have Ryan, a PT who is knowledgeable and demands a lot out of you, but it can be an ass-kicking class.

Second, at 10am, is a group class that is an upper body workout. Done from wheelchairs it is a combination of stretching, range of motion, weights, and aerobics. An hour of just rebuilding some of the muscles that have been inert for so long. An interesting class in that you are surrounded by a group with a range of spinal ailments that is mind-boggling. Each person working on the areas of weakness that afflict them.

And the last class of what becomes a brutal 3 hour block is a one on one Occupational Therapy session. Where Physical Therapy concentrates on the legs Occupational Therapy concentrates on the upper body and teaching you skills to manage your daily life that take into account some of the long term disabilities. Not only do we work on strengthening and range of motion, but classes will be dedicated to normal daily tasks like, putting on pants and shoes with limited mobility, getting in and out of shower chairs since standing for long periods is dangerous, building dexterity and strength so you can write and hold eating utensils. It sounds basic but in many cases you are giving people the skills to be independent. I cannot tell you how much better you feel about yourself when you can feed, wash, and clothe yourself instead of relying on others.

This is followed by a break of an hour and a half that includes lunch and usually a quick nap from pure exhaustion. Possibly a few more painkillers.

And the last class of the day is a walking class. It is exactly what it sounds like, a group class where the therapists work with each patient in a round, giving them a few minutes of walking time followed by a break as they work their way through all the other patients. Then they come back to you and start the cycle over. This is a particularly emotional class. Over the period of a few weeks you will see patients progress from just standing up (in some cases for the first time in months) to taking there first tentative steps on the parallel bars, to seeing them walk with a crutch or walker on their own. There are a lot of congratulations thrown around the room, and I can tell you they are well deserved. Few things have frightened me more or been more exhilarating than taking those first steps. The fear of the unknown, the fear and mistrust of your body, and the hint of freedom that mobility implies, mix together for a lot of tears of fright and joy at the same time. It is a pretty amazing experience.

With the classes over for the day there is usually a bit of afternoon exhaustion before an early dinner at 5:00 or so. I also try to stretch or work on certain exercises in bed. And then I have been blessed to have Naomi come every night as well as the ever fun rotating cast of characters that are my friends. To see some familiar faces and laugh and joke for a few hours at the end of a long day makes everything seem much better.

When It Rains....

Friends-

This email may not be the most well written thing you read, forgive me ahead of time.

Last night, the building where Naomi and I live, caught on fire. It seems to have been contained to the roof and the upper levels, but 2 of the 14 units in our building are in terrible shape, the upper floors have smoke and water damage. Our apartment fared better but not too well. We were subjected to a lot of water damage. The ceilings in the living room and bedroom downstairs had to be ripped out, as well as portions of walls all over the place. What else needs to be done we are not sure and a time-line on repairs is uncertain.

The frustrating part is I may be released as soon as the end of next week, which is amazing, but I am not sure if the apartment will be habitable. To say this is a frustrating circumstance would be an understatement, compounded with what has already happened it is almost comical, and forgive me if I want to scream.

If my emails and posts are a bit slower for the near future apologies. The balancing of rehab, planning for release, daily concerns, and now fire damage is a lot right now. This may be a moment where I ask some of you that live close to us for some help. Just know Naomi and I are safe, nobody was hurt in the fire, the damage can be repaired, and we are doing are best to work through another obstacle on the road back to normality.

All the best,

Scott

The Great Outdoors

After one month in ICUs, Neurology Wards, and Rehab Facilities I got my first taste of fresh air yesterday. My beautiful girlfriend took the reins on the old wheelchair and we spent a few glorious hours rolling around the lakes, gardens and fountains in Central Park. It could not have been nicer.

And it is also about time I give a shout out to Naomi. Everyday of this ordeal she has been by my side, and will continue to be by my side. As my world has changed daily, chaos on top of chaos, she has been the constant, the one thing I know I can rely on. Simply, I am humbled by her love.

Tubes

During most of my time in the ICU I was hooked up to a dizzying amount of machines, tubes, monitors, drips and more. Being on a liquid diet didn't help, just another tube inserted wherever there was space. Post-Op I think the list went something like this:

1.) Oxygen tube in the nose.
2.) IV for PCA (Patient Controlled Analgesia) or a morphine system to kill pain.
3.) Heart Rate Monitor
4.)Blood Oxygen Monitor
5., 6., and 7.) IVs for various bags of Fluids, Drugs, and Nutrients
8.) Urinary Catheter
9. and 10.) Small Side Spinal Drains
11.) Main Spinal Drain

Over the course of the two plus weeks at LICH in the ICU and the Neurosurgery Wing the tubes and IVs slowly came out. An IV here, a spinal drain there, until the day before I moved to Mt. Sinai when out came the last tube. I remember my mother walking in and shrieking when she noticed the last tube was gone and I have to say it felt pretty good, knowing I wasn't attached to any machines or devices anymore. Felt good to have my body back.

Beyond the Spine

So my spine has been stabilized and seems to be in good working order. Of course it is still stiff, painful, and needs a brace when I am out of bed, but all in all, is in decent working order. Just to fill in the blanks though, there are some other ailments from the accident that I'll talk about to let you know what I am working with in rehab.

As the doctors told me right after the operation, I was lucky and should be thankful that my body did what it was suppose to do. Namely, my bones took the brunt of the impact. There were many fractures but my skeleton absorbed the shock and protected my vital organs from major damage. Other than a quick flare up of the pancreas everything was left in tact, and for the force of the accident the doctors were very impressed with the lack of trauma to the organs.

Of course, that now means I am rehabbing with a host of minor and major ailments. First and foremost I have 5 or 6 fractures in my ribs. These are all expected to heal just fine but as many of you probably know, they heal slow, are easily aggravated, and can be very painful.

The frustrating thing is that each limb has its own problem. Some minor, some a little more worrisome. As for the left arm I have a fracture in the clavicle. It is not bad, although makes a funny bump on my shoulder, but the break is close to some ligaments. If I was to aggravate it in rehab it could damage the ligaments and mean another surgery, so for now, I keep it in a sling during workouts and it will be reexamined in a week or so.

I also have a fracture in my pelvis, it is thin and and doctors are not too concerned but the fracture does extend down into my hip bone. I just got the thumbs up to do weight bearing on it, but I would lying if I said it wasn't painful. It is frustrating because each small movement can set it off leaving me with shots of discomfort shooting through my body. Even with the pain, weight bearing means I am able to practice walking, so I will gladly work through some discomfort if it means I am able to walk.

The right leg is a bit worrisome. The right foot has nerve damage. Other than the instep of the foot I can't feel anything. I am able to move my toes downward and just a bit upward but not much else. This is a direct result of the location of the spinal injury. Based on the movement the doctors believe that feeling will return to my foot, but they say it may take some time, many months, possibly over a year to return, none the less the outlook is positive. It does make it hard to walk though when you can't feel your foot, and may mean I wear a brace for some months after I leave rehab.

And lastly my right arm. This is another area of nerve damage. It is not directly related to the spinal injury but probably more related to the flailing limbs in the crash. The doctors believe that I pulled, stretched, and damaged some nerves in my arm, and the results are a host of ailments throughout the limb. The thumb and pointer finger are painful, kind of an interior pain that hurts and tingles. The rest of the arm has a bit of a pins and needles feeling and an overall weakness to it. The wrist is extremely weak, picking up a one pound weight causes the wrist to crack at the joint and droop down. I can't fully extend the arm due to tightness. And lastly certain muscle movements are comically weak. All of this I am rehabbing, small workouts of all the individual ailments, and improvement has been pretty impressive already.

Each day the parts get just a little stronger, with a little more force, with a bit more range. Its encouraging but slow, very slow. It is nice to see improvement. And now that I can put weight on the left leg I am back to practicing walking. Two days ago I walked without assistance from the physical therapists, and with the aid of only one crutch. Fred Astaire I am not, but damn it it felt good to do it on my own. To feel a sense of independence, mixed of course with a sense of fear. The funny thing about rehab, each new movement is frightening, will my body do this or that? But after the first time, the second time is easier, and easier still after that, until you place that little bit of movement or action into the 'Can' folder instead of the 'Can't' folder.

Field of Dreams

I always get choked up when I watch the end of 'Field of Dreams'. The climax of the movie is a son playing a game of catch with his father in the backyard. While my brother had more talent on the diamond than I, the games of catch I played with my father were no less meaningful to me, now or then.

It has probably been 20 years since my dad and I played a game of catch but I still think back to them with a fondness that tears me up each time. How strange that on one of his last days in New York he accompanies me to physical therapy where the therapists wants to work on strengthening my nerve damaged right arm and wrist. She hands us a small medicine ball and, for the first time in two decades, dad and I played catch. Me unable to walk, with a spinal brace sitting in a wheelchair, him standing maybe three feet away. I don't think I could have felt closer to him at that moment or that the game of catch could have meant more to me.

My father has been a rock over the past few weeks and I couldn't love him more. Thanks dad.

The Skinny on My Spine

Here are the details as I understand them.

The spinal column is split into regions. There is the top which is the Cervical Region and supplies functions to the neck and arms. The middle is the Thoraic Region that helps with the chest and abdomen and helps with breathing and coughing. And the lower area is the Lumbar Region (think lower back) that helps out the legs and such. At the very bottom is the Sacral which helps with the bowels, bladder, and sexual functions.

For me, I shattered L4. Pulverized the poor thing into shards, the problem with the shards is that they get stuck in things, namely they got stuck in my spinal cord. Now, the spinal cord is fragile, tear anything and you have lost feeling in whatever that nerve is connected to. So what did I do, I sent a group of sharp bone shards directly into my spinal cord, buried them there with razor edges and then asked the doctors to play the most sensitive game of 'Operation' you could ever imagine. The stakes were a bit higher than I would have liked.

To that the L3 and L5 vertebrae were also broken, but they were breaks that were cleaner and were able to be reset with hardware. Kind of like each was cracked in half, reset, and screwed back together.

As for the shards, the operation became a challenge of picking small pieces of my vertebrae out of my spinal cord, pull too hard, tug the wrong way, and there goes feeling somewhere. Almost hard to write this. But for 9+ hours they labored away, slowly cleaning up the damage I had done. Once the cleaning was done they redid the vertebrae, and I am a little foggy on all this but with a truckload of hardware, screws, rods, and more they stabilized my spine.

In the end they were exceedingly happy about the results. So much so that there was an expected second operation on the table and they now believe it to be unneeded. What was that operation you ask? Let me tell you. They start by opening my stomach, working between the major veins just after the aorta splits, move aside my major interior organs to get to the spinal cord and column where they repair what could be considered the interior rather than the exterior of the area. Dangerous, frighteningly dangerous. But we are hoping, crossing our fingers, and praying that this will be unnecessary down the road.

In the end, the diligence and extraordinary efforts of the surgeons not only succeeded in pulling off a miraculous operation, but did it so well that the even more dangerous operation is off the table for now. How can you express your gratitude in that type of a situation? It is hard to adequately express my thanks to the team of neurosurgeons at Long Island College Hospital that have put me in such a good place for recovery. They are amazing people.

Sponge Baths

I mentioned this in the email many of you received but I would like to talk about the nurses of the I.C.U. for a moment. This is my first time spending an extended amount of time in the hospital and of all the people who have helped me over the last few weeks the nurses have been the most incredible.

At my worst, in the days just after operation, I was incoherent, full of tubes, monitors, and drugs, barely understanding what was going on around me. Those were the days of just making it through, hoping there were no complications, and the nurses, bless them, just helped you get there. Their job was to help you along medically and make sure you were as comfortable as possible. In moments of coherence they would let you know how things were going, what was coming down the road, and would lend a sympathetic ear to my fears and concerns of the unknown.

And each morning they would strip you down, change your clothes and bedding, give you a sponge bath, and leave you clean and calm, showing you the tenderness usually reserved for a newborn. As I sat up sleepless each night I got excited as the sun began to rise because I knew, in an hour, a nurse, for 45 minutes, would do everything she could to wash and care for me and make me feel human at my most vulnerable.

As things got better, as I recovered and stabilized, the nurse changed into a confidante and friend. Talking for hours and giving me a sense that I was still the same person as the one before the operation. They would offer advice on legal issues, patient care, rehab, doctors. It was not a company line but rather considerate and measured advice. So just a simple thanks to the ICU nurses, to make the well-being of others your mission in life takes an amazing amount of humbleness and sacrifice, to them I will always be indebted.

I.C.U. Psychosis

ICU Psychosis is this fun little thing that is frighteningly common to trauma patients in the ICU. They commonly exhibit a cluster of serious psychiatric symptoms.

ICU psychosis is caused by a combination of things, like environmental problems such as: sleep deprivation, stress, continuous light, medical monitoring, loss of day cycle (think being in an enclosed room all the time) and more. Add to this medical causes like pain, drug side effects, medical trauma, and dehydration.

More or less with the constant monitoring, trauma, drugs, disorienting location and host of other symptoms ICU units are the perfect place for people to go nuts for a short amount of time.

This was mentioned to me one day by Saul, the doctor I mentioned earlier, and happened to me that very night. It was 3 days after the operation. At the time sleep came in 30 minute intervals, hopefully totaling an few hours a day. I still had a morphine system for the pain, oxygen tubes, and an arm full of various IVs, not to mention the monitoring system for my vitals.

After dozing for about a hour (a record at the time) I woke up in the middle of the night disoriented and in excruciating pain. My face and head felt fine but the rest of my body seemed distant. My back felt like 1,000 nails were piercing it, my limbs, other than one hand, weren't moving or reacting at all. With the room covered in drapes I could not recognize any details that had seemed so familiar. I had no idea how I got their,and although I knew I had the operation, I was completely lost on where I was and what was going on.

Looking around I saw all of the medical apparatus coming out of my body, the frame of the bed seemed to be connected to me, and the walls and windows of the room seemed no different than my own limbs. Everything in the room felt as though it were a part of me, as if when I was sleeping a construction crew had drilled, nailed, and cemented my body to the architecture of the room. For 20 minutes I thought that I had morphed and melted into the this undefined space. It was as if the pain I was feeling was the beams of the room going through my body. If I stayed there I thought the architecture would just slowly consume me until I was swallowed by the room.

And the funny thing is I tried to stay calm. To rationally think of what was going on, but each new clue led me to the same conclusion, I was being devoured by the building.

This lasted for maybe 20 minutes, pure fright, and feeling like my brain was being stretched and might snap. I finally saw a push button lying on the bed, slowly it came to me that this was a 'call button' and if I pushed it someone, anyone would come. Luckily it was next to my good arm and after pushing it an ICU nurse showed up minutes later.

Calmly I explained to him how the building had begun digesting me and taking over my body, calmly he explained to me that I was a patient, had had a spinal operation and was in the ICU. His argument, mixed with a little morphine, worked, and while I still like my argument I finally was talked down from the ledge.

Welcome to the ICU.

The I.C.U.

The I.C.U. probably gives me the most mixed emotions of the whole recovery process. I arrived there after my surgery and stayed almost two weeks as my body stabilized itself.

The first few days were frightening, I was on a liquid diet, meaning it was either being pumped into me or I was sipping water, and lying flat on my back the whole time, that lasted for the first week.

During the first few days you are mixing trauma, pain, drugs, IVs, disorienting new location, a battery of doctors, constant checks of your vitals, trips to take X-Rays, Cat-Scans, MRIs, sponge baths, nurses, morphine drips and more into one of the most difficult cocktails you can imagine.

I was so weak at the time that the only thing I could do for myself was to grabbing little pieces of ice and rub it over my temple and forehead to cool down, or pop one in my mouth to suck on. Worried that I might have lost motion over major parts of my body I remember thinking how important it was that I grab the ice myself, that was me functioning on my own.

There was also sleep, or lack there of. Your body is trying to but between constant monitoring, the lights on, the dislocation, the sounds of other patients and the conversations of the nurses, the drugs, and the pain, god the pain, sleep was an afterthought. For me, I was happy if I slept for an hour or two a night, usually in 30 minute increments. I would usually be delirious from lack of sleep in the morning and many a night I would see images from a combination of delirium and drugs. I remember my mother rubbing my foot and falling asleep so that became our routine. When she came to the ICU she would rub my foot, the pain and tension would disappear and I would relax and sleep, even if briefly.

It was also in the I.C.U. that some of the most tender moments occured. The nurses there are now friends. When I could do nothing for myself they did it for me, washing, bathing, feeding, medicating, listening and empathizing. They did it all. My comfort and well being was their only goal and to give me a sense of dignity when I was so vulnerable meant the world. They are amazing people.

Coming next: I.C.U. Psychosis!

The Emergency Room

Immediately after my accident I arrived at the Long Island College Hospital Emergency Room. I knew something was wrong with my spine already but not the extent. While lying on the pavement I remember feeling a dead tingling sensation in my lower back and knowing the straighter I stayed and the less I moved the better. At the ER I tried to keep calm and while that day in particular was foggy in regards to what went on, when the x-rays and cat-scans happened, who I saw and what the order was, there was one moment for which I will be forever grateful.

Before I has been given a bed in the ER I was lying strapped to a gurney staring at the ceiling and trying to not lose it. My mind was racing, I was scared to death and the only thing I knew was that I was in the middle of a life altering moment. Just as I was feeling my most frightened and vulnerable I saw a young man approach, he laid his hand on my arm giving it a gentle squeeze, looked into my eyes with a calming demeanor, and while I forgot the exact words he said it was a simple,"It will be OK, you are in good hands and we will do all we can to take care of you." I will never forget the calm compassion of that look. It meant the world to me.

Some time later, when I had received a bed he returned. His name was Saul and he was a ER doctor. I don't remember the time-line of the day but we, amazingly, had a long ranging lucid conversation on a host of subjects. He was a doctor but also an artist. He had gone to Bard to receive his MFA and had work in a current exhibition at PS1. Our talk touched on personal physical injuries, how his work in the ER informed his own art practice, my own practice and upcoming work at Socrates Sculpture Park, the artist Mark di Suvero, gold-leafing, art school and a host of other subjects.

I will never forget the sensitivity he showed me that day, and with my girlfriend, the two of them allowed me to make it through what was the most frightening day of my life. It is not often you meet someone briefly and have the feeling you will know this person for years to come, and in his case I truly hope I do.

The Beginning....

If you have found this page you are probably a friend or family member and I thank you for checking in here. As you probably know the idea for this blog comes from an accident, namely my own accident. About two and a half weeks while on the way to work, I was struck by a car and suffered major spinal damage. The operation was a success and the outpouring of support has begun. The obvious question for me was how do I keep all of you, the people I am closest to, up to date on the highs and lows of the recovery process. This blog seemed like a good idea.

Over the next few days I am going to try and tell you as much about what has happened so far. This will include details about the accident, the operation, my time in the ICU and Neurology ward, and more. Simply, I will try to fill in the blanks for you and possibly do a little emotional purging for myself. Thanks for stopping in and please check back regularly.

Much love,

Scott Andresen